when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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