I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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