My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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