So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
