So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
