My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
