My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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