Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
