toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
