Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
