Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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