I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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