this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
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Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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