I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
