I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
