listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
