how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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