i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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