Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
