I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
