I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
