I think I died a long time ago.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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