I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
They took my balls.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
