i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
my poor anus
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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