can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
