If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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