Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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