i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Operation Purity has been aborted
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
