yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
