My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
