I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
