an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
