My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
