just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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