I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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