just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
And then he peed in my hair
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