My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
