I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
