literally had 100 drinks last night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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