M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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