I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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