I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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