I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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