I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
