your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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