There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
