It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
