I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
