i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
