If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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