Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
