During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
