I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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